A couple of months ago, I purchased the devotional, Jesus Calling, by Sarah Young.
Here's what Amazon has to say about Jesus Calling:
"Jesus Calling is a devotional filled with uniquely inspired treasures from heaven for every day of the year. After many years of writing in her prayer journal, missionary Sarah Young decided to listen to God with pen in hand, writing down whatever she believed He was saying to her. It was awkward at first, but gradually her journaling changed from monologue to dialogue. She knew her writings were not inspired as Scripture is, but journaling helped her grow closer to God. Others were blessed as she shared her writings, until people all over the world were using her messages. They are written from Jesus' point of view, thus the title Jesus Calling. It is Sarah's fervent prayer that our Savior may bless readers with His presence and His peace in ever deeper measure."
I've only really read in it a handful of times, but today I really felt God telling me I needed to spend time with Him. I grabbed the bible study I'm currently doing, and then felt God saying to grab my copy of Jesus Calling. I headed to Sbucks, grabbed some breakfast and a chai latte and settled in to spend some time with the Lord.
What was written as today's Jesus Calling devotional was absolutely written for me.
Today I go to see the hematologist; last week my hcg levels went up and I was referred to Dr. Mahmood at the Cancer Center of South Texas. To say I am a bit nervous is an understatement. After reading the devo, I felt peace. He knows what's going to happen. I can't change it by worrying or being nervous. I have to trust in Him and know that He has me in the palm of His hand.
John 16:33:
"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."
Psalm 105:4:
"Look to the Lord and his strength; seek his face always."
John 14:27:
"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."
I ate lunch today at the Gristmill in Gruene. First time ever. It was so good (cheeseburger) and the view was pretty. Madre snapped a quick picture of me.
This weekend (and part of last week!), we went to Round Rock to visit Stephen's sister Amy & her family. It was relaxing, fun, and full of laughter, late night chocolate runs, river floating (first time!), and food. Lots & lots of food.
Emma's first time bowling!!
Abby loves 'smoking' French fries!
Emma 'paid' for lunch with a toy credit card. The awesome waitress took it to the cash register, pretended to swipe the card, then brought E the card back, a pen, and piece of receipt paper. *big tip for her!
Stephen and I escaped for an afternoon of snocones & exploring Round Rock. :)
Late night chocolate run to Walmart & we walked in to this! Walmart know...
Stephen & Emma played beauty shop. Notice his beautifully painted nails!! (He's so awesome!).
Abby kicked back at lunch... Until...
...they started singing Happy Birthday to someone. Abby doesn't like birthdays.
Stephen found Duck Dynasty loofahs. It's too much.
We went tubing on the San Marcos river on Saturday! It was my first time ever & oh my heavens, I LOVE it! It was so relaxing and fun. :) and, I didn't get sunburnt! Yay for SPF 50 baby sunscreen and reapplying.
It was a great weekend and I totally can't wait until next time.
Thanks Josh, Amy &girls for an awesome time! We love y'all!!
Life has been hard here in the Strealy house lately. But in it all and through it all, we are still leaning on the Truth that God is GOOD.
Things happen for a reason, and I don't know what the reasoning is, but God does. It doesn't make things easier, but it gives me hope.
More than anything, I want to be a Mom.
On April 24th, after peeing on a stick, I found out I would be one! But on June 7th, all my fears came true when I learned that I will not be one any time soon. While urine and blood tests both confirmed my pregnancy, an ultrasound showed a tumor-like mass instead of a baby. I had a complete Molar Pregnancy, where instead of the sperm fertilizing the egg once, it fertilized it twice. This results in a bloody, tissue-y tumor like mass. MPs only occur in about 1 in 2,000 pregnancies. How lucky am I? not. Of those pregnancies, 1 in 40,000 turn cancerous. So, not only did I hear, "You're not going to be a Mom," but "You have a tumor that could end up turning cancerous." Sucky, sucky day. But wait, there's more. Once my Hcg levels get to zero (more on that below), I have to wait about year to get pregnant to make sure it doesn't turn cancerous. So much for having a baby anytime soon. The only way to remove the mass was to schedule a d&c.
June 18th arrived, the day of my d&c. I don't remember much about it; Stephen, my parents, and my grandpa waited with me before the surgery. Our pastor, Ron, came and prayed with us. And moments before I was wheeled away, my aunt Maggie and cousin Tori came into town from Houston. It meant so much to me that they would drive all that way to sit in a hospital. The d&c happened; I was all drugged up on morphine; somehow I ended up at home.
The title of this post is Life is Hard (which we've pretty much covered), but God is GOOD!
He is so, so good:
When I found out I was pregnant, I did not have health insurance. I was able to get on Medicaid. God is good.
It was my first time going to the OBGYN, Dr. N. She was AMAZING. -- she answered all my questions before I asked them, and sent me down for a sonogram.
During the sonogram, Stephen and I both thought we saw a tumor instead of a baby, so when Dr. N broke the news to us, it was devastating, but we understood. God is Good.
We never ever saw a baby or a heartbeat. God is Good. (I can't imagine seeing it, falling in love with it [more than I already was], and then miscarrying).
Once again, Dr. N explained all my questions and fears so well. Then told me she would be out of town for 3 weeks, but I needed it done much sooner than that, so I'd have to see a new dr.
Many family members & friends prayed over me, for me, and with me. God is good.
Dr. G was just as amazing as Dr N, and the more I've been working with her, the more I like her and may switch to her for good. God is good.
The d&c was successful. God is Good
My Hcg numbers are going down. Not as fast as we would like, but are going down. In a normal pregnancy, Hcg levels are around 40. The day before my d&c, I was at 500,000. The day of, after the d&c, 100,000. I've been getting blood taken about every two weeks (have I mentioned I HATE needles?) and they are currently (as of 8/6/13) at 2,930. God is Good.
My doctor called me on 7/31 at lunchtime and said I would have to start a form of Chemotherapy the next week because my levels weren't going down quick enough. She called me around 5:30 that night and said never mind, she talked to a specialist and I have until December (6 months) to get my levels down to zero. God is Good.
I was able to go to Youth Camp in June before the d&c. God is Good.
The week after my d&c, Stephen took the Youth on a Mission Trip to Tennessee. His sister, Amy, came down to CC and took care of me, my mom spent a LOT of time taking care of me both before, during & after the mission trip, and my friends Kacey & Katie spent lots of time with me. I was rarely left alone. God is good.
I was able to go work at Kids Camp in July and had an amazing time.
There is still so much going on in our crazy stressful life right now, but I keep focusing on the good God is doing in our lives. I know I really need to grieve the loss of this child (because in my heart, it was a child--even though physically/scientifically it never was). I'm just not 100% ready. So right now, little by little I'm getting better physically and emotionally. My life is hard right now. Really, really hard. But I know God is good.
This song has meant so much to me these past few weeks.
Some lyrics: "Your love never fails." "You make ALL things work together for my good."
And finally, the verse that I kept repeating in my mind after my friend/boss sent it to me the day I found out--notice the word says when, not if.
